I am a shitty soon-to-be ex-wife…

I should not have sent that self-indulgent exercise in diary prose excuse for a letter. My apologies.

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Tried so hard to get you to stay with us all, we lost you and I…

Hi Jesse. It’s been a really tough day here but getting through. I really hope you are well. You may not want to read this – it’s long and rambling and there’s really no point to it. It’s ok if you don’t. It makes no difference to the past. The past is set.
I never stop missing the life we should have had. I just had to open Facebook today – tear off some scabs I guess? Thank you for seeing me as someone that loves you, it was kind of you to include me in your post. Great photo, too. It’s the kind of image you want people to think of when they see you. That’s what social media is for, right? Project an image that mirrors how we are feeling, one that others can identify? Another topic for another time.
The rest of this fucking bullshit is written pretending we are still talking. Friends. People that actually love one another and can talk shit to each other. I still love you so much it’s dumb. Remember when we hung out every night by the pool and talked so much shit to each other? Deep, heavy, lovely…
I never wanted any of this life I have now. It’s honestly a lonely and soundless existence apart from our dogs. They are my only friends here. Everything I do, daily, is for them.
I actually am playing your albums on repeat today to honor you even though some songs, it hurts so bad to hear your voice. (I’ve been crying most of the day away – I am pretty sure you have not been since that would be very unhealthy!).
What I’m doing is not healthy but it’s so seductive and I keep it in sooo much that it is cathartic to give myself a day to grieve. I am lucky enough that I can put my tears into this one special day. A day to reflect on the decisions we’ve made.
I don’t want to think that which I think: Our entire love affair was a whimsy of your instability and my desire. A farce? A bizarre sad comedy? A terrible idea that you found yourself stuck in? I just know how much it sucks to be both conflicted by the ABSOLUTELY awful things mixed with SWEET memories of the times I believed you loved me. I will never be ok about any of this. And I still miss you. The one that loved me sometimes. But not the one that hates me mostly.
Thank you for remembering me. That is some kind of compensation. For those months at home when you disappeared and shut us out,
went places you lied about,
lied about not going into people you mentioned,
leaving me to grieve the end of others and we. And while you played and found your way without me.
I have obviously not been stable myself today. But fuck it – you get to tell the internet stuff and send my mom a poison pen text so you get to read this private email from me.
Did you know that my grandmother was bp and an alcoholic her entire motherhood to my crazy mama? She was an amazing poison pen writer. She would write these long revenge letters to people and send them in the mail. Including to my mama. So my mama, she handled yours with love and understanding and helped me not flip out. But really both of my parents are here for me. And they still care about you. That’s the only absolute love I will ever know, theirs.
Let me tell you how bummed my pops is about us. He really likes you! And your music, too. So now he has started listening to the National. No joke, my mom got him a record for Christmas. I told them they couldn’t play it because it would just make me nostalgic. Because we talked about that band one or two times. Fuck, everything make me nostalgic.
They got me a clock that I cannot put on the wall because it’s makes me think of you. It’s in the shape of a 45 and says “rock around the clock” and for some damn reason, it makes me think of you. I really thought we were the rocker and the beatnik teamup. We had our own Scooby Doo’s! So childish I guess. But we was grown!
I dont know why it’s ok for you to keep my town and life and I just leave *again*. Yet another ghosted life on my part. There were so, so many lives I had ghosted before I met you. In us I thought there was some concrete. (Note: concrete is SO heavy). My issues!
Also – you fucking cheated, lied, shut me out and disappeared. All while I wanted us to go on dates with each other. So I could be less depressed. I am selfish!!!
I still haven’t been with anyone else but you since that fateful 9/11. I still carry the remnants of the “I was with someone else but I love you” necklace I the car change tray. It keeps us from getting in wrecks on the road.
For real though – this is not an angry letter! It’s honest and it’s me hoping we can remember a common bond of openness. Of accepting the shit, of a shared pain and not letting one another slip into the void. Dammit Jesse, you may not know this but I really wanted to be your wife, your partner. Oh well. There is nothing you can say, right?
I hope your folks are ok. Are you still there or back home now? Have you found someone real to you yet, a partner?
I really hope/know you are working on a new record. No chance any songs are about Sadie? She should live in infamy :).
I still have that recording of you in your bathroom, singing, and Sadie barks at the end. That’s actually the name of the recording…”Sadie barks at the end”
Jesse, I know you are an amazing artist and person. This will always suck.
We will both be ok; I know your support group is immense and loving.
I still miss you everyday, but I don’t miss the pain. Hope you feel the same. Happy Anniversary.
-your wife, Sarah Catherine McClain.
This is a bullshit letter from your ex on an anniversary. They don’t happen regularly and you will not be subscribed to any mailing list.

“Nightshift” – Lucy Dacus (again)

“In five years I hope these songs feel like covers,

Dedicated to new lovers. ”

This is why this is going on my top ten this year. Fuck

“You’ve got a nine to five so I’ll take the nightshift. And I’ll never see you again if I can help it. ”

But just before that, in another conversation “I feel no need to forgive, but I might as well.”

Thoughts on losing you. No, not you, the other you (not you guys, either – sit down)

Weird that I still think about you everyday. I just blame it on Ween.

But I do, everyday. So this next journey away from love will be just as hard as ours, but so very different.

I probably haven’t come to terms, still, with the man you became. Always the one I thought understood my version of the universe. But you decided to universe hop. Became a different man than I loved. I told a young man once that he had ruined sex for me forever, he had until I met you. I still believed in forever as a universal concept. That love was stronger than witchcraft, blood, life, all the other song lyrics…

Even at the end of our correspondence, telling me the Carl Sagan love story… I wanted to believe. But it wasn’t real. Fuck it man. I am a dreaming realist. I can strive for change and hope and getting better in life but I seem to be – when it comes to love – unable to fall for a person that won’t go to jail for no other reason than greed. Weird because I am a communist at heart and don’t particularly find greed a reason.

“nonbeliever” Lucy dacus

It’s a mashup of how I think Jesse remembers me and a bit of how I feel about him.

Mostly it’s a song I could imagine him singing. I still miss him but that guy is gone for me. It is SUPER FUCKED. I’m crying even right now.

He’s still unwell. He lost his anchor and he is so scared. And he’s still so unflinchingly self-obsessed. Swinging moods and guilt, trying to not give in.

I am the selfish one for sure. I don’t want to be unloved, hated even. I don’t want to make anyone feel that way. He abandoned me, our vows, our life together long before I wanted the pain to stop. It’s a very complex feeling I have for him.

Been talking about our wedding A LOT. It was great. The ending not so much – but the wedding was perfect. Imperial March, roshambo to see who went first for the vows, Sick Balloons played, we were so happy that day. (Not so much that night tho.)

I love him so much. I loved him even more. I loved him the most of all.

(Cry in order to not be bitter?)

So my masochistic and romantic tendencies create a world in my head, a possible parallel universe where he and I love each other in sun-drenched rooms until our last days.

This is a great fucking record, Lucy.

“Shadowboxing” Julien Baker/ “Shadowboxer” Fiona Apple

It’s almost stupid. But if I had a daughter, I would play her both tracks and be like “these are both great songwriters. One is def better than the other but we aren’t playing fucking baseball right now… (Or is it a great baseball comparison as well?)

Anyway. Julien is an it act right now – deservedly so. I really like the way she belts it on this track – not an unusual trick of hers but played sparingly.