I should not have sent that self-indulgent exercise in diary prose excuse for a letter. My apologies.
“In five years I hope these songs feel like covers,
Dedicated to new lovers. ”
This is why this is going on my top ten this year. Fuck
“You’ve got a nine to five so I’ll take the nightshift. And I’ll never see you again if I can help it. ”
But just before that, in another conversation “I feel no need to forgive, but I might as well.”
Weird that I still think about you everyday. I just blame it on Ween.
But I do, everyday. So this next journey away from love will be just as hard as ours, but so very different.
I probably haven’t come to terms, still, with the man you became. Always the one I thought understood my version of the universe. But you decided to universe hop. Became a different man than I loved. I told a young man once that he had ruined sex for me forever, he had until I met you. I still believed in forever as a universal concept. That love was stronger than witchcraft, blood, life, all the other song lyrics…
Even at the end of our correspondence, telling me the Carl Sagan love story… I wanted to believe. But it wasn’t real. Fuck it man. I am a dreaming realist. I can strive for change and hope and getting better in life but I seem to be – when it comes to love – unable to fall for a person that won’t go to jail for no other reason than greed. Weird because I am a communist at heart and don’t particularly find greed a reason.
I am an atheist. No bones about it. That’s my faith. It comforts me to believe. Everything about our existence is pretty absurd. It’s great.
Now how do I claim this one life? Be happy with the love I have to give?
I wonder if I’ve been sailing for adventure or information.
It’s a mashup of how I think Jesse remembers me and a bit of how I feel about him.
Mostly it’s a song I could imagine him singing. I still miss him but that guy is gone for me. It is SUPER FUCKED. I’m crying even right now.
He’s still unwell. He lost his anchor and he is so scared. And he’s still so unflinchingly self-obsessed. Swinging moods and guilt, trying to not give in.
I am the selfish one for sure. I don’t want to be unloved, hated even. I don’t want to make anyone feel that way. He abandoned me, our vows, our life together long before I wanted the pain to stop. It’s a very complex feeling I have for him.
Been talking about our wedding A LOT. It was great. The ending not so much – but the wedding was perfect. Imperial March, roshambo to see who went first for the vows, Sick Balloons played, we were so happy that day. (Not so much that night tho.)
I love him so much. I loved him even more. I loved him the most of all.
(Cry in order to not be bitter?)
So my masochistic and romantic tendencies create a world in my head, a possible parallel universe where he and I love each other in sun-drenched rooms until our last days.
This is a great fucking record, Lucy.
It’s almost stupid. But if I had a daughter, I would play her both tracks and be like “these are both great songwriters. One is def better than the other but we aren’t playing fucking baseball right now… (Or is it a great baseball comparison as well?)
Anyway. Julien is an it act right now – deservedly so. I really like the way she belts it on this track – not an unusual trick of hers but played sparingly.